This week

Greetings, fellow earthlings. We’re into the Big Kahuna territory as previously mooted on these pages. Once every 12 years Jupiter makes cosy with Neptune bringing… well… that’s the million dollar question, friend. Jupiter at his best is confidence, exploration, fun. He’s the adventurer of the Zodiac. At worst however he tips into over-egging the pudding, not looking before he leaps, and betting on longshots that can never come home. Tricky. Neptune is the King of the Seas. At his best he rules spiritual oneness, creativity, immersion, soulmates, and a sense of boundaries being dissolved. When he’s playing nasty though the King of Dreams veers towards delusion and deception with drug and alcohol addiction and a loss of earthy contact and direction along the way. So when Jupiter and Neptune get together extremes could be messy – or ridiculously good. The process starts Thursday and continues until mid-June (for now). But will it be ideal - or illusion? Astroducky paraphrases your extremes with ‘Bowl of Cherries’ versus ‘Baloney Sandwich’, below. Finally the Sun moves into Gemini on Thursday and there’s a New Moon here too on Sunday. Let your grey cells get perky, baby.


Aries
Mars is racing through your sign with Venus chasing his go-faster stripes all the way. Steady on the gas with lovers and bidniz partners, Ramface, you’re being pushy and perhaps a leetle unforgiving. Where’s the compassion?! Where’s the fluffy?! A review of cashola is triggered on Monday and you’re at the abacus totting up the number of beans you need for your dreams to come true. New ideas may be required - and your time to talk has arrived! Bowl of Cherries: Your intuition guides you to a diverging path in life where foreign, studious, or publishing avenues bring personal success. Baloney Sandwich: You want the future now and pushed by an over-inflated ego, you stonewall those advocating slowly-slowly-catchy-monkey/divergence.

Taurus
Mars and Venus in your 12th house of Meep! bring anxiety, bad dreams, a sense of trouble brewing, and paranoia that people aren’t showing their full hand... Be wary of being a martyr in love. (And if you’ve got a secret crush or are having a clandestine affair don’t bet on it staying secret for long…) On Monday old financial offers come back to the table. This launches a financial review month. Think about lettuce now. Start action from June. Bowl of Cherries: Big Money hooks up with Dreams in your zone of Fame, Career and Success. Remaining grounded like the delicious bovine you are, you know to check the small print and bite down on the money. June is the time to pluck it. Baloney Sandwich: A career offer is merely Scotch mist but deluded by your impending fortune you spend like a sailor and end up in hock by month’s end.

Gemini
Airy friend, you’re into a weird spell… The Sun is yours from Thursday and after Sunday’s New Moon your energy starts lift. And yet… what’s that strange dragging feeling…? Mercury your ruler is reversing in your zone of fear soon to be joined by Mars and Venus. It’s a time of reflection and recognising your own shortcomings. But when you plot your way out of it, you feel hamstrung and bewildered. If in doubt try a process of elimination. Certain doors are closing. Perhaps, when you’re ready, look behind the doors further along the corridor. In the meantime be kind to yourself. Bowl of Cherries: You see that your best route to success and healing is spelled p-a-r-t-n-e-r-s-h-i-p and in spite of your fears, embrace it. Baloney Sandwich: You don’t believe for one second that anyone really wants to help you, so instead lock yourself inside your mind while a sinking feeling lands in your tummy.

Cancer
Make hay this week, (or should that be loofahs?) Crabsticks. Your energy dips from Thursday for a month. Eat your greens, sleep a bit more, and be guided by the intuition coming your way. The Sun shining in your 12th house of fears and secrets is when an intuitive creature like you can reach some of your deepest truths… Before then, Monday and news from old friends lands. An opportunity that passed you by re-emerges – if you want it snap it now! Bowl of Cherries: You sense a sea-change in your life and grab it with both claws. Money settlements (yes, try the lotto on Wednesday), oobah expression, and endings are doorways to new vistas. Baloney Sandwich: You reject ‘reeling it in’ as a lifestyle choice and throw your money and bits around willy nilly thinking this will impress others (ie yourself) but end up nothing more than a mixed seafood salad at a fusty, midtown bar.

Leo
An old career opportunity comes back to the table early in the week – can you make it happen? Tarry for a while with this one. Mull it over. Mars and Venus will be singing arias in your honour at the boardroom table come June. Maybe that’s the time to roar into career action. It’s party party party from Thursday, Pussy Cat. Top hat and tails at the ready. Bowl of Cherries: You hear the Carpenter’s ‘Why Do Birds…’ in every moment and it feels good not nauseating. This love ting is the real deal. You de Cat dat got de cream! Baloney Sandwich: You hear the Carpenter’s ‘Why Do Birds…’ in every moment and it feels nauseating not good… You know deep inside that the theme tune to the Magic Roundabout would be more appropriate.

Virgo
News from abroad lands Monday – or there’s a revisit to publishing, legal, or studious plans. It’s a negotiation phase so analyse, review, consider. Mars and Venus join your ruler Mercury here during May giving you Power, Grace, and a Winning Pitch. The Sun and New Moon in Gemini this week launch your annual focus on career, fame, and honours. Is Mercury’s news, above, just a coinkidink…? Bowl of Cherries: (Work) A project where you help others brings personal healing for your old hang ups. (Health) Troubles miraculously disappear or have a fresh diagnosis/staggering improvement. Baloney Sandwich: (Work) A project is being mis-sold and you suddenly notice that your business partners have ridiculously long noses... (Health) A problem is wrongly diagnosed/treated or an ineffective treatment needs rethinking.

Libra
Holidays and study plans are coming into focus. It’s your time of year to be lying in a hammock (in a gallery while a solo violinist plays something wistful). Meanwhile: You’re sexy hot/argumentative/impatient and rather forgetting to try a little tenderness. How is your doe-eyed lovely… fed up? Bowl of Cherries: You let the old layers of you fall away revealing a creative, loving, caring you. Who speaks. And makes sense. Baloney Sandwich: In spite of being ruled by the Goddess of Love, and also being the sign who suffers most when alone [you are a set of Scales which is pretty much a tiny creature’s see-saw. And you can’t have much fun with a see-saw if you’re on your own], you deal with your past by putting ‘it’ about like a sailor, lavishing gifts on your children, and chucking the day-job in to be an artist, even though you have no skill, ideas, or paintbrushes.

Scorpio
News from old lovers or from an old business partnership arrives on Monday – there may be some negotiations needed involving Money and/or the Get Out Clause. Alternatively old love-issues you’ve started to air have something of a breakthrough. Is it space you need? Keep talking and let things unravel at their own pace. Any delays now will come right during June. Bowl of Cherries: The perfect solution to a home and family situation presents itself – an even better, it could increase your earnings. Baloney Sandwich: Your plans to expand, move on, or upgrade are way off base (ahh said, ah said way off base). Nonetheless you pursue your creative desires for the bespoke conservatory with plunge pool until your assets are frozen.

Sagittarius
You are one hot cutie pie. Mars and Venus are giving you sass and urges. Single Sadges don’t forget the romance! Coupled up Sadges – in between bébé talk and kids' activities – don’t forget the romance! Meanwhile, old work contracts are coming back to the table. Step up to the plate. It’s negotiating time. Test to see how much you can swing things your way. June is going to be a busy month – pitch for things you’d like to be busy doing! Bowl of Cherries: Never has the adage, ‘you don’t know until you ask’ been more perfect for you, Archer. Your soothing voice and caring overtures are met with consent wherever you go. Baloney Sandwich: Refusing to appear weak or needy you hide your emotional fragility behind a sea of demands, pride, and bluff that would bring even the tooth fairy to tears.

Capricorn
News from old lovers that you hoped had done the rounds arrives on Monday. Give any daydreaming, sighing, inner dialogue a chance. It’s a healing process. Work though is going to be occupying your fabalas brain from Thursday. Watch for opportunities arriving late this week and early next. There’s money to be had, Goat. Bowl of Cherries: An inkling in your waters, and the gift of the gab, leads you to a perfect financial balance - where you’re getting what you deserve without being a slave to the lettuce. Baloney Sandwich: You are sloppy with your financial health, being too unaware/self-conscious to ask for what you deserve – or even worse, displaying your credit card details on a sandwich board/smoke-writing in the sky/via satellite.

Aquarius
News from former lovers or vz former creative projects lands Monday. Talk it over, add offers to the mix, but don’t agree to anything until June. The Jupiter/Neptune Kahuna is BIG STUFF inventive one and it’s happening in your first house of You, Yourself, and You. All Aquarians are sensing a deep-down, profound change a-coming, particularly those born from mid Feb to the end of your sign. Bowl of Cherries: You re-invent yourself by harnessing your dreams and getting the wonga to make them happyhaps. Believe! Baloney Sandwich: You fritter your cosmic luck and hard-earned cash away on half-baked projects and pie-in-the-sky ideas, unable to discern friends’ worthy but hopeless causes from a hole in the ground.

Pisces
Negotiations are back on the table vz home and family life on Monday. Things perk up from the end of the week. Watch money, Fishy. You’re spending like a sailor and eventually you’ll have to put your signature where the invoice is. The Big Kahuna happyhaps in your 12th house of secrets and fears. If you needed an ‘Aha!’ moment to prove you are an intuitive being with magical powers, here it comes! Watch Thursday as a day to stand up in front of your insecurities and gently, calmly, maturely bid them ‘Good day’. Bowl of Cherries: You embrace your intuitive powers and use them to perceive others’ anxieties, insecurities, and agendas filtering the good from the bad, and walking the higher path, a master of leading by example foreva. Baloney Sandwich: Convinced you are now Harry Potter /King Midas you swagger around saying abracadabra and brandishing crostini breadsticks until everyone thinks you’re a sap.