This week

This week is a mixed bag of buttons, campers. Mercury and Mars get ducked under the briny by Neptune meaning certain ting aren’t what dey seem, the Sun has a set to with astral curmudgeon Saturn and our glee gets curtailed by another, and Venus, she wot rules love and money, is heading backwards in incompatible Aries and old love/oof stuff comes out of the bag. Zoinks. In the words of roll-call guy from Hill Street Blues (who passed over last week in the More4 repeats, sob) let’s be careful out there, huh?

Aries
Be wary of betting on rainbows and the toothfairy this week, Ramface. When you’ve an idea in your bonce you’ll affirm that black is white should anyone question its ability to hold water… and yet, in spite of knowing this, Astrobugle lovingly suggests that Wednesday through to Sunday would be a smart time to stand back from friends’ ropey advice, idle wishes, or pursuing half-baked dreams. Clarity will be absent for a few weeks yet but at least if you hold back you’ll have your shirt and your dignity intact. Across town: and Venus’s uiee in your first house of You, Yourself, and You on Friday brings a three month chance for reflection and relaunch vis your lovelife and cashola. See the joy in this! Errors of the past pop up now. It’s time to get your heart and wallet in order so you get it right next time round.

Taurus
News or progress on a career aspiration comes Wednesday and Friday. Listen hard and bite down on the snippets. You’ve had Neptune in your 10th house of, ‘For she’s a jolly good fellooow!’ for years and you’re now adept at muddling through the mire while appearing completely up to speed and in the driving seat. Others may not be quite so practised. Ask penetrating questions and wait until the Full Moon next Wednesday before mekkin your move. Saturn’s spat with the Sun at the weekend means potential lovers are playing hard to read too. Meanwhile Venus, your chief whip, is heading backwards from Friday and the dragging feeling deepens. Something, somzink, somut… but what? It’s time to pudge up your face, throw on a Mac, and make like Columbo. Your investigation aint about murder. It’s about how you continually hamstring yourself (especially in negotiating love and money) by operating behind a self-imposed brick wall in these areas. Why? Don’t expect the answers to come fast. Starting Friday, insights and gut feelings will have you walking many times into the back room of your mind saying, “Sorry sir, there’s just one more thing…”

Gemini
The excitement stirred by Monday’s raa energy may seem to lead you into a dead end by Wednesday as you find yourself knitting your own eyebrows into a cardigan in consternation. An offer to study, venture abroad, or expand your philosophical horizons seems too good to be true – but the cut off point to accept or decline the offer is short. What to do? Ask questions first and remain sceptical. Even when the urges start gnashing at you like hungry ferrets by the end of the week, stand fast if you can until next Monday then go Go GO! If you have to leap before then expect the outcome to vary from your expectations. Across town: and for you, Venus’s uiee is happyhaps in your 11th house of friends and wishes. Old friends and lovers could be popping up out of the woodwork during the next six weeks. Likewise old dreams and wishes that have been idling on the back shelf may be back for a re-think. It seems that money may be part of the equation to get them back on track. Kerching.

Cancer
Neptune’s lengthy tarry in your 8th house of sex, death, and taxes (aka ‘letting go’) is given a hearty poking this week as flibbertigibbet Mercury and then feisty Mars come calling for tea and buns. News and/or a conversation (about sex, death, or taxes aka ‘letting go’) leads to action but here’s the but… the news or conversation is cominacha underwater and the speaky or the listeny is distorted meaning you no heary so good… and as a result your subsequent actions will have only limited success. Écoute with your ears on stalks but the conversation will best be répète next week when the Virgo full moon has you hearing and speaking on max. Meanwhile: Venus’s about turn on the down escalator lands in your 10th house of success. Doing what you love for a living – and making enough cash-money at it – is your conundrum. Think, think, research, grapple over the coming six weeks, Crab. Confident moves can begin in mid-April.

Leo
Where love stuff is concerned Pussy Cats are set for memorable moments this week - but with Neptune in the picture will it be heart-melting, lilac-scented bliss or porky pies? Neptune governs inspiration and soulmates as much as be governs confusion, drunkenness and lies. Wednesday and Thursday, as Mercury and Neptune meet up, Leos’ love affairs bring sweet nothings or bullcheese. Question closely what you’re saying/what you’re being told and get to da bottom of the motivation for the conversation (as in who started it and why). Do it! If you let it drift, by the weekend when Mars jumps into the fray signalling fire and action, you may go off half-cocked on half-baked truths. A stitch in time, your Majesty, may well save a mistaken savaging. Meanwhile: and as Venus hauls back to the bunker in your 10th house of success it’s time to review where your power and passion is at in career matters too. You have the heart of a lion, Lion. Find ways to put that chutzpah into your career and find the oof to match.

Virgo
Neptune often gets a bad press, mainly because he has a habit of blearing the edges of things or even sticking his confusion stick in the middle of a perfect working order situation scenario. But he also brings creative, enlightened, inspiration. Wednesday and Thursday this week, as your ruler Mercury discusses work and health with this oceanic colossus, you may have (a) a porky pie or (b) a heightened moment of inspiration on your hands. Normally you could let this percolate. But when Mars roars into the tea party on Sunday as Saturn faces off to the Sun you’ll find yourself impatient to act. Ask the questions that need asking and if something in the reply smells fishy, hang fire until your Full Moon next Wednesday then ask again. Across town: and Venus rewinds in your 8th house of sex, death, and taxes (aka ‘letting go’). Things that have past, and doors that have closed, need grieving over and processing. Old lovers and uncomfortable love issues return for a review. Even conversations and changing desires about styles of oobah arise. Mortgages, savings, commission structures, and accounts are in the frame too; the 8th rules Big money issues rather than the monthly pay cheque. It may not be comfortable but it will be cathartic and from next week you’ll feel the review equals important progress being made.

Libra
As Venus your ruler stalls in your 7th house of long-term squeezes and bidniz partners, and there’s confusion and potential hoodwinking in your 5th house of flings, this may not be the week to nail your colours to any perticaler relationship mast. Neptune’s been swimming in your 5th house of lovers, chilun, and creative goings on for a decade bringing illusion and trap doors. This week Mercury and Mars meet the watery king bringing (a) epiphanies (b) poppycock and/or (c) ego-led entwinings… You can feel the sand shifting beneath your feet but before you can make promises with conviction there’s some old love stuff that needs facing, unpacking, and exorcising. It’s not easy, you’re under the cosh you’re right. But imagine being free to love at last as you truly are at heart. Like finally beholding a Master in a naturally lit room while drinking a glass of chilled spring water with a squeeze of fresh lime in the nude as a gentle breeze circulates, you’ll never have felt such clarity and beauty. Crack on at getting to the bottom of things, so to speak.

Scorpio
Neptunian moments of bewilderment or bliss land in your 4th house of home and family, Scorpio. Conversations Wednesday/Thursday are coated in mist – either things really are too good to be true or you/your Ma/someone at the estate agents is holding back on the true beef. By the weekend as Mars moves into the same space home and family moves could well be made on spurious information and pipe dreams. If you can, hang fire. There’s a Full Moon coming in your zone of dreams and wishes a week on Wednesday. Let information percolate this week and make moves then. Likewise, weekend conversations about creative ting, chilun, and new squeezes hit the buffers. Try again next week. Across town and Venus’s backwards ho begins on Friday in your 6th house of work and health. Yes it’s time to get a health check up, waist up and waist down. It’s also time to get thinking about the money you’re earning and the love you feel for the 9 – 5. Without emotion, a sense of passion, and something profound and worthwhile in what you’re doing, Scorpios soon go cold. If it’s time to move, start looking now and plan to scoot forwards from mid-April.

Sagittarius
For you Archer it looks like it’s back to the future. Venus’s about turn lands in your 5th house of lovers, chilun, and creative ting and from Friday it’s time to really focus in on the love and/or cashola that your modus is generating in these areas. Can you really make a living out of making straw teapots? Can you honestly afford to keep the kids in golden slippers? Was a lover from the past right when she said you were a pig-headed dolt? And so forth. And why aren’t you saying or doing anything about these things? It’s a six-week review so expect to be retracing your steps on and off for a good while. For starters this week Mercury and Mars hook up with Neptune in your 3rd house of chitty chat. Watch your ears and mouth all day Wednesday and Thursday for the half-truths you continually let in and out of your head (such as not admitting to the kids that there’s no money for skiing holidays this year, or telling a lover he’s your one and only when you’ve three more lined up). We all let things slide. Right now though you have a golden opportunity to look back on your past errors – and rejig your future approach to the wheat and chaff, slidey-wise.

Capricorn
Money news is being hoisted up the flagpole of the good ship Goat this week. Wednesday and Thursday Mercury meets up with Neptune in your bank vault and visions/delusions are par for the course. Be vigilant and check cheques and change, really biting down on the cashola for signs of chocolate. Then Sunday and into Monday Mars hooks up with Neptune in this same zone. Feel the power of fiscal urges to fritter (or downsize) then let the dust settle – or give in to your knee-jerk decisions to invest in ropey also-rans but accept that ting may go awry. Big bills could land this week too but get a second opinion; the washing machine might need a new fuse rather than a new motor. For you Venus’s rewind docks in your 4th house of home and family. In the next two months old habits are ready for fine-tuning, your reliance on family is going to shift, and Goat Towers is set to change.

Aquarius
Of all the signs likely to swing wildly this week (and we’re talking reactionary rather than kinkily), you’re it. Mercury, the planet of chitty chat, and Mars, the planet of action and ego-fuelled energy, are stirring King of dem Seas, Neptune in your first house of You, Yourself, and You. And if you think that sounds quite big, you’re right. Wednesday/Thursday be very careful about calling a spade a bucket. You might kid some of the people for a short space of time but they’ll rumble you for sure when it’s time to dig the garden. Aussi, at the weekend you may be tempted to shout loudest convinced that you are right about a perticaler subject in the face of doubting Thomases. Actions speak louder than words, Airy, so shut up and start doing instead. Across town: Venus’s reverse brings a review time on how you tawk. How you negotiate love and money are perticaler areas for excavation in the forthcoming weeks. Do you always get what you want – and if not, are there other ways you could ask?

Pisces
It’s coming in on all fronts, Fishfingers. Activity in your 12th house of ‘Meep!’ this week reaches peaks on Wednesday/Thursday and into the weekend. Mid-week watch out for getting defensive over things that don’t need defending, talking yourself out of a paperbag that doesn’t even exist. Then at the weekend be wary of springing to attack, getting cross and snappy at those in the fishtank who seem out to get you... Someone is definitely holding you back, the skies say so, but is their motive all bad and is there a win-win to be found in the aquarium? Twelfth house stuff is all about heightening gut instincts and tempering the ego. It isn’t easy but the chances to be less paranoid in life generally when it’s all over are good. Onwards! Across town: Venus heads backwards in your bank vaults. Confusions, delays, reviews about money are due. Try to wriggle out of it and you’ll be sorry later. Turn your lettuce into gold, Fishface, greenfingers into goldfingers.